…"And so the only time you ever regret a decision, is if you'd rather give up every single part of your life from then until now. Now, thinking about it that way, do you regret not leaving school?
"No."
"And that, my friend, is the regret fallacy."
I have struggled with regretting my decisions, especially after leaving seminary and finding minimal work and minimal appreciation for my education. After this experience, I regretted ever going into the field of religion. However, do I wish that I had never gone into seminary or pursued my passion for learning about Christianity and deepening my faith? Well no, looking back this was one of the best decisions of my life. Through seminary I was able to meet a great number of people, grow as a leader, and tackle some tough ethical and moral problems in the classroom. So
my regret fallacy is that I loose sight of my history and no longer appreciate how my life has unfolded, imagining that I would be happier anywhere else.
Sin of Regret
This regret fallacy is problematic from a Christian standpoint because God so often calls to us to embrace the reality of a relationship with him, and not to dwell on living in the past. This regret can seep into our lives and suck away our energy, time and passion. This past year for example, the fear of both regret and failure tormented me for sometimes days on end. There was that voice inside of myself telling me “you are not good enough, you failed and you need to change everything about who you are because you are not [insert whatever lie we think we need]”. But this voice, and the sentiment of regret, is a sin that is ultimately self-destructive.
Getting past regret but steering clear of Pride
A recent article in
Scientific America suggests the best way to improve mental health may not be the result of increasing one’s self confidence or pride, but their “self-compassion.” The article describes this new attitude as akin to sitting with a close friend who can take an earnest assessment of your foibles and show you that these mistakes do not define your identity. Rather than the friend (or often times parent) who sits down and lists every single reason you suck, why you made lousy decisions, and why you need to improve, the compassionate friend/self tries to place your faults in context of your overall growth. Self-compassion is not an attitude of complacency or pride, but it is a self narrative of compassion, honest feedback, and self forgiveness.
Cultivating a compassionate response
As I try to apply this narrative of self compassion with myself and interactions with my wife, I have started to see us both grow and become more confident people. Rather than mutually wounding each other, we are beginning to approach our faults in a way which strengthens us both. Some techniques I have learned to cultivate this compassionate attitude include:
- A daily ritual in front of a mirror where you practice letting that self-compassionate friend look at your faults as well as your strengths
- If you believe in Christ, letting Jesus soothe you and trying to listen to his voice as a remark/correction for your life
- Taking a 10 time-out when you are in a heated, angry moment to gather your thoughts and get at the heart of your anger, sadness or grief.
These steps helped me, and I hope will help others to enter into a greater, more holistic and perhaps God-centered view of their life
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